The E-Book of Poop

For some time now I have had an idea in my head--a personal challenge of sorts--that I find both bizarre and ingenious.

I have a dream--a dream to one day use the sanitary facilities in the best universities in the world. Specifically, this sanitary usage involves the making of a "Number 2".

This dream all began years ago, as one day it suddenly occurred to me that I had excreted in the Sorbonne, at Cambridge University, and in a number of the best academic institutions in the United States. (Oxford University, due to circumstances beyond my immediate control--namely constipation--is one goal that as yet remains unfulfilled. Berkeley, of the great state of California, was not so lucky.) "Why," I wondered, "could I not continue in my already commenced line of success, and use the bathrooms of those universities that were as yet un-defiled?" This became a small personal obsession (an obsession, mind you, of the healthy type, not one that leads to a psychiatric evaluation) and a somewhat ironic, joking mission.

In the last few days, I have begun to combine my thoughts of this strange personal initiative with a pet theory of mine. This theory represents a culmination of my travel experiences, and my realization that the best, most significant, most meaningful travel is that which takes place during an arbitrary journey. As most inveterate travelers know, the best parts of any journey (or the best journeys, full stop) are those which are unplanned. The three-hundred mile deviation from the route for a slice of pizza, the stop in a funny-named town, the entire journey for some apparently delicious pancakes--these are where travel is distilled into its true, unadulterated form. It is in these moments of un-pre-meditated travel that the wanderer ceases to be a mere tourist, a slave to a line on a map, and becomes an adventurer, a discoverer, a colonist of tastes and experiences.

With this theory in mind, I came up with what I consider the perfect travel plan. This idea occurred to me earlier this year, and is really quite simple. Basically, after setting a pre-defined time of travel, I would drive around the United States, guided only by the most arbitrary of signs. Specifically, I would use the infamous "state quarters" to decide the next stop in my journey.

To give an example: On the first day of my trip, I buy a soda. Let's say a Diet Mountain Dew (energize and watch the figure at the same time). I pay for this delicious beverage with bills that will ensure the receipt of at least one quarter. (Hopefully this quarter is a "state quarter". If not, I would need to make another purchase). I look at the state, start up my car, and head in that direction. If the quarter bears the likeness of a specific monument or town, I will travel to that place. If not, I will do my best to pinpoint a reasonable stop (i.e. for Georgia, I would visit a peach farm, and meet a peach farmer).

Once having arrived at the first stop on my path, I buy yet another beverage (or food item--let's say that this time I treat myself to some soft-serve fast-food ice cream), peer at the change to find my next destination, and head off once again.

The beauty of this type of travel is that the destinations are truly arbitrary. One's trip could be cross country, or merely local or regional. The destination is not the point, but rather the path itself and the adventures contained there within.

I have long thought that such a journey would make for a perfect beginning to my travel writing career. But, alas, I am as yet an unknown and inexperienced writer with no contacts or publishing experience. I must become famous, infamous even, before I even dare dream of such a feat.

And so, folks, I present to you my plan. Please don't steal it. More importantly, please approve of it, love it, like it at least.

I will write (at some point in the future) an E-Book, which will appear on this very page, the subject of which will a semi-arbitrary adventure. I will travel the country and the globe, attempting to fulfill my desire to defecate in the most shining examples of academic excellence. The waste itself will not form a core part of the book, and I will not fall into the facile trap of describing, discussing, or even alluding in a vulgar fashion to any waste matter itself. On the contrary, my bathroom visits will serve only as pinpoints as I plot the stops in my journey. The important thing, as I have previously mentioned, will be the path itself, the people I meet, those with whom I discuss my goal and the reasons behind it.

I will meet with professors and janitors, Freudian scholars and fellow sitters in my excretory odyssey. Together we will form the fabric of an adventure story for the 21st Century.

Now, the question of a title remains. With the help of some of my young charges, I have come up, so far, with two different titles. I ask for you, the reader, to help me by either offering your opinion on the previously suggested titles or by putting forth your own ideas on titles. Here goes.

Smart Ass: Pooping in the Ivory Tower

poop: a journey

For all of those that don't know, the Ivory Tower is one way in which people often refer to the institution of academia. The image is generally meant to represent a white, pure, unassailable bastion of scholarship and learning. Unfortunately, as I am well aware, the tower is generally crumbling, scuffed, and quite dusty. Nonetheless, the irony in the title suggests dirty deeds in a sanctified place.

The second title, "poop: a journey" is one of understated humor and simplicity. I think that it speaks for itself.

So please, write me (the best way is through the posting of comments) with your suggestions, opinions, and ideas. I look forward to hearing from all of you.

Hopefully, by writing this E-Book / Blog, I will be able to gain the momentum and fame necessary to secure a literary agent and contract for my next book, which would be somewhat less strange and a bit more "reader friendly". Thanks for all of your help. Please do not hesitate to forward my address to your friends and family, as I would appreciate the help of any and all readers.