Hometown News

Livingston, New Jersey, the quiet and tranquil hometown of many (over)privileged, upper-middle class people (like me) was the scene of a daring, dastardly, and ultimately, doomed armored car robbery yesterday.

Down the street from my friend Sturd's house, near the gas station that an acquaintance's dad owned, and across the street from the office my dad kept for many years, some guys broke into an armored car (how do you do that?) and started shooting at the guards when they returned from picking up or delivering some cash to a local bank.

The guards shot back, the car moving all the time down the peaceful Jersey roads, and then the guys took off in a Jeep. A high-speed chase ensued through the neighboring towns of Millburn and South Orange, until the suspects took off on foot. Two were captured immediately, one apparently ran faster and eluded the cops for about 45 minutes.

Guess how they finally caught him? Hansel and Gretel style, following a trail of money that the guy left behind.

Dumbass.

Apparently, one suspect may still be at bay (nobody seems to be sure). So, if you see a pale white guy with red hair and a bagload of cash, please contact the authorities immediately.