06 April 2006

Staten Island Sort of Sucks

I went for a little NYC stroll today after work, enjoying the slightly chilly, yet sunny weather.

While walking around lower Manhattan, I decided to take the Staten Island Ferry and get a glimpse of that mysterious land. I stopped to see a few interesting places along the way:

First I went along to the Trinity Church Graveyard, where such notables as Alexander Hamilton and Robert Fulton are buried. The grounds are beautiful, and even standing atop so many corpses, there is something truly soothing about the place. Some of the gravestones are crazy--I guess it was an 18th / early 19th Century American custom to make gravestones as creepy as possible. Tons of them had some crazy poems that basically said, "I'm dead, and you're coming soon," or some other similar sentiment.



I kept on moving South toward the Ferry, and stopped to step into Bowling Green. I was very interested to learn that Bowling Green is called Bowling Green because it was a Bowling Green back in the 1700's. Very curious.

Even more curious was the price paid for the use of the green. Apparently, those of the neighborhood were forced to tender the exorbitant price of "One Peppercorn" in order to bowl on The Green. Extremely curious.



Soon after leaving the Green, I arrived at the Ferry and waited along with the other passengers for the 2:30 boat. The ride is 25 minutes long, free, and quite nice, with views of the Lower Manhattan, the Statue of Liberty, the New Jersey Ports (gorgeous!), and Governor's Island.

In my 35 total minutes in Staten Island, I saw the following things:

- Two Heavy Metal fans (one Caucasian / one African American) discussing Jazz/Metal Fusion. One was wearing Anthrax apparel.

- One definite drug addict

- One possible drug addict

- A lot of delicatessens and pizza places

I also took some time to visit the Staten Island Museum, where I had the "pleasure" to see:

- some arrowheads

- A mastodon molar

- Some glassware (undated) that looked like it came from my Mother's china hutch in New Jersey

- Drawings of baseball players

- "The Wall of Insects"



And so, perhaps I'm just uninitiated, but all in all, my little foray onto the Island of Staten left me quite unimpressed. Nonetheless, seeing as I only visited from 2:55 until 3:30, I will withold confident judgement (for the moment) on the entire Island. I can say, however, with complete confidence, that if you ever find yourself near the Staten Island Museum, you would do well to save your two dollar entry fee.

Buy a slice of pizza instead.

03 April 2006

Trader Joe's

It is early afternoon, and I am standing on a street corner, waiting for the light to turn green. I'm heading across the street to Trader Joe's, a new supermarket in Manhattan, just off of Union Square.

I am engaging my brain, forcing my synapses to do the complicated mathematics necessary to figure out just how many Clif Bars and tubs of hummus and loaves of wheat bread I will buy in this trip. I glance at the people around me. Three women. One is older, gray hair, somewhat short in stature. The other two are young. One is quite attractive. They are both quite normal looking. One is holding two bags, the other clutches her handbag. We are all waiting to cross the street.

My hummus equations are interrupted by a loud yell. I look up. The girl with two bags--twenty something years old, dark hair, somewhat attractive--is looking in my general direction. She yells.

"Don't do this to me! Not here! Leave me alone!"

I look around. Over my shoulder. To my left and right. Back down at the ground. I am minding my own business.

"Leave me alone! Not here! Not again! Leave me ALONE!"

I look up again. Is this girl talking to me? I look at the woman beside me, also young, quite good-looking.

"Is she talking to me?" I ask. She shrugs her shoulders. Smiles with empathy. Another day in New York, another weirdo fighting with someone. The girl keeps yelling. I look at her, and ask her directly, "Are you talking to me?"

"What kind of question is that?!" she screams. "Leave me alone! Don't get me involved in your illegal activities! I don't want to be part of your schemes! I will tell the police."

Now I'm getting worried. What is she talking about? I feel guilty the way I feel guilty when I pass through customs, totally innocent and yet totally shamed into guilt by the stern look on the customs official's face. And what if everyone around us believes her? Will someone call the cops? Will this girl attract enough attention that people start looking for help? Will I get taken "downtown" and have to "answer a couple of questions"?

"I'm sorry, but I don't know what you're talking about," I tell her.

"DO NOT TALK TO ME! I told you I want nothing to do with your illegal doings! Leave me alone!" We're crossing the street now, and she seems to be heading to the right, while I head to the left. It's all ending. There are no cops following me, no sounds of sirens, and besides the people I've mentioned, nobody seems to have noticed.

The other girl from the corner is walking in front of me, down the street. She looks back and tells me, "I think she's got problems, don't worry about it." "Yeah," I tell her, but I notice that her pace quickens and she stays ahead of me, not slowing down, perhaps not quite trusting her own judgement. She walks into Trader Joe's.

I follow, and hope she doesn't think that I am following her.

24 March 2006

Cakes and Syrup (part 2 of 2) (UPDATED!)

This Post is long overdue, and I apologize (and give thanks) to those waiting that have expressed their desire to read the conclusion...

Fueled by a few pints of Guiness, Adam and I, intrepid heroes, headed back to Alejandra's house to plan our departure. We quickly found a place to stay in the area of our destination--Our homebase was to be a small rented cabin on the shores of a frozen lake (note: Adam would later qualify the adjective "frozen" with the modifying adverb "almost".)

The next morning, after guzzling gallons of coffee and purchasing supplies for our voyage, we loaded up in the vehicle and headed North. Armed with little but a map of little detail and bucketloads of confidence, we started our drive. We decided that our path would, as much as possible, be confined to back roads, as we wished to see as much non-freeway Canada as possible.

We headed out and began to drive...slowly but surely...Within a few hours, already growing tired, we arrived in the general geographic region. We had planned a huge feast, and so we stopped at a grocery store in the area to stock up on food and wine. In a moment (perhaps among many) of culinary genius, Adam had planned the menu, keeping in mind the theme of the voyage, and had planned a meal of pork chops marinated in mustard and maple syrup. We decided as a group that the pork chops would go nicely with some potatoes and brussel sprouts.

We purchased our victuals and headed toward the cabin. Oddly, the one thing that we had been unable to find in the grocery store was fresh, local maple syrup in a reasonably sized bottle. There were plently of outrageously-sized bottles of the local goo, as well as bottles of Aunt Jemima and her similar faux-maple pals, but none of these options seemed viable or morally correct. And so, after speaking with some of the local workers, who all had cousins or brothers or sisters or friends that made maple syrup, we headed down the road in search of some roadside maple blessings.

Driving down the local highway, having long passed the turnoff for our cabin, we grew nervous. We saw no sign of the maple shack we were looking for, and we seemed to have gone too far. We fretted, worrying that our good luck had come to an end, and decided to turn back, hoping to find another option. Our great fortune, however, continued to shine upon us, and the road in which I chose to enact a K-turn turned out to be the driveway of the place we were looking for.







So we bought some syrup and moved along, headed toward our fancy lakeside cabin (which was, in fact, a sort of crumby, yet homey tiny little place that had obviously not been decorated since the late 1960's). Adam got to work cooking our meal, and Alejandra and I got to work on the wine we had bought. We all worked hard, and within about an hour, Adam had cooked up a delicious meal, and the three of us had polished off a fairly large quantity of wine. With music-provided by the satellite TV, we sat down and ate, enjoyed the rest of the wine, played some music and finally settled in to sleep and dream of fluffy pancakes and sugary, pure, gorgeous maple syrup.



We woke up late the next morning and immediately got to work packing up and cleaning up the place. Luckily, the night before, we had finally found a map that mentioned the town we were looking for, "Oro Medonte".



And it turned out the town actually exists:



As we got closer, the excitement in the car was noticeably increasing. Road signs pointed to the end of our journey, which we approached with a mixture of anticipation, exhaustion, and sadness.



We had finally reached the conclusion of our adventure. We entered Shaw's, greeted by the smell of scrumptious hotcakes. We were seated at one of the many tables, which like the others, was covered in a bright orange plastic tablecloth. We checked out the menu, and our choices were few.

--Silver Dollar Pancakes with One Sausage, OR
--Two Pancakes with Two Sausages, OR
--Three Pancakes with Three Sausages.

Now, Alejandra was feeling the Two Pancake option, but Adam and I, arriving at the end of such a momentous undertaking, immediately decided that we would obviously eat the largest of all possible options. Adam's conversation with the waitress went something like this:

--I'll have the Three Pancakes with the Three Sausages.
--Uh...are you sure?
--Yeah, I'm sure...Why?
--Well, it's just a whole lot of food...
--Listen! I've come here from Brooklyn, and I think that can handle Three Pancakes!

This last sentence was pronounced with a great deal of force, and the Waitress smiled, slightly taken aback, and then nodded her approval. I seconded Adam's order and we sat to wait for our pancakes. They came a few minutes later, and the truth is--they were pretty damn good. Thing is, as I dug into the mammoth pile of food, I remembered that I'm really not all that crazy about pancakes. I mean, I like pancakes, but they're not my favorite food, and the truth is that I really prefer French Toast any day of the week. No doubt about it.

This realization, however, in no way diminished the metaphysical deliciousness of my plate of pancakes and sausages. Cutting them up, slathering them with pure butter, soaking them in sugary, condensed, natural sap--every action and every bite was pleasurable, and every sip of coffee washed it all down wonderfully.



After the meal was over, we had the chance to meet with members of the Shaw family. We witnessed the entire syrup-making process, learned some interesting syrup trivia (40 gallons of sap are necessary to make just one gallon of syrup), took a walk through the maple grove, and got to try some maple syrup toffee (Little House on the Prairie-style--hot syrup poured over snow).

The Shaw family (and friends) all seemed happy to meet us, and were very impressed by our journey. Oddly, one very nice lady referred to us as "movie stars", which somehow seemed to be the conception of New Yorkers, and even requested our autographs (which I believe and hope was a joke).







And so, the voyage was complete. We had made, against all odds, to Shaw's Pancake House. In the face of those mocking our journey, we had traveled 100 miles North of Toronto to eat some pretty good pancakes. We had met the Shaw family, checked out the syrup making process, and eaten syrup toffee (a dream of mine for years). And now, all that remained was to head home, victorious and stuffed.

------------------------------------------

LETTER TO SHAW FAMILY:

Dear Shaw Family,

I just wanted to write and thank you for the wonderful breakfast experience we recently had at your Pancake House.

Some of you may remember that I and two friends made the journey to Shaw's from Brooklyn, NY, after reading about your delicious syrup and hotcakes in the New York Times. The trip was better than I could have possibly hoped for it to be, and it was truly very nice to meet all of you.

I would like to direct you to my website, www.frijoles265.blogspot.com. You may enjoy the narration of our journey from Brooklyn to Oro-Medonte, as well as some of the photos of our trip and the time we spent at Shaw's. I also plan to soon print some of the photos and send them by mail.

Thanks again for everything, and I hope that you are well. I hope to see you again, this time to try some Shaw's Products of the pork variety.

Sincerely,

Chris, Adam and Alejandra

--------------------------------------------------

THE RESPONSE:

Hello from Canada,
Of course I remember all of you. It was a pleasure meeting you and I really enjoyed your enthusiasm about our little Sugarbush in Oro-Medonte.
Your trek to Canada after seeing our story in the New York Times was pretty amazing to me. If you have any extra copy, we would love to see it.
I hope that you can come back some springtime in the future. My husband Tom (the 5th generation) said that I should check out your site to see the photos so I will right now.
Thanks again for your compliments and kind words.
Regards,
Terri-Lynn Shaw
Shaw Maple Products & Pancake House
#493 Oro-Medonte Line 14, S.
RR#1
Orillia, Ont. Canada
L3V 6H1

19 March 2006

The Nectar of the North... (part 1 of 2)

I am daunted by this tale I must tell. Even in the midst of living the experiences recounted below, I and my traveling companion were aware of their (somewhat tongue-in-cheek) mythical quality and the deceptive ease with which each moment in our journey seemed to fit into the framework of a heroic quest.

Our journey to the North had been born of practicality. I wanted to take a trip during my spring break from work, and I lacked the funds necessary to take any voyage that would demand air travel and hotels. My travel partner Adam, on the other hand, is currently recovering from shoulder surgery and likewise had time and limited funds. Canada presented itself as a viable option.

Some days after deciding to head to Canada, I came upon an article in the New York Times. The author had written on a number of places in North America that served regional and seasonal foods. One of the places listed in the article was Shaw's Pancake House, a place about 100 miles north of Toronto (our destination) that only opens during March and April each year. All the syrup served atop the pancakes at Shaw's is produced on their 100 acres of maple forest. I clipped the article from the newspaper, and we decided that Shaw's would be the final destination point of our trip. I am not sure that we realized at the time the extent to which the syrup quest would come to inhabit the entirety our thoughts and actions.

Everything began smoothly, perhaps even better than planned. Adam and I left New York/New Jersey on Monday afternoon and headed in a northwesterly direction. We made an unplanned stop in Buffalo and tasted the local (original) Buffalo Wings (see previous post) and headed up to Niagara Falls on Tuesday morning.




The falls at Niagara were impressive, but the weather was severe and not very conducive to extensive gazing upon the thousands of gallons of falling, near frozen water. Standing atop the lookout points on the American side of the border, we felt briefly energized by the rising mist. The sensation was soon overtaken by the lack of feeling in our extremeties and my own fear that I might soon lose my rather pointed, skinny nose to frostbite.

After a short drive around the area, we headed to the border to suffer through the annoying and (for me) typically excessive frontier control. Rather than being passed through directly to the other side, we were subjected to extensive questioning, our passports were briefly confiscated, and our car was searched. Now, perhaps this had something to do with our general scruffiness, and maybe my garb (I was wearing all the clothes that I had with me, including the thick camel wool African robe that can be seen above) aroused a bit of suspicion. Nonetheless, the process was annoying, and after we finally got through we felt as though we had passed through yet another interesting obstacle on our journey.

It was perhaps around this point that our conception of our trip to Canada began to undergo a certain metamorphosis. See, orginally the trip was planned as a trip to Toronto. Pancakes at Shaw's were to be a sidenote. Adam and I both started to notice, however, that our talk of pancakes and of finding our way North of Toronto had begun to dominate our discussions. We both obviously loved the idea of visiting a pancake house 12 hours from home. It was exciting and absurd, and seemed to lend the trip a sort of eccentric feel that appealed to us.

It wasn't many hours later, now in Toronto, having met up with my friend Alejandra (with whom we were staying), that we came to another realization. The article clipping that we had religiously carried with us through days in New York and along the entire car ride had somehow been discarded along with common trash found in the vehicle. We had lost what we would come to refer to as the map for our Holy Grail. Our ties to Shaw's Pancake House had been cut!

Now, the most obvious answer to our problems was quite that--very obvious. A quick search on the Internet turns up Shaw's Pancake House. We had Internet at our disposal. It would be easy to find the place. In a fit of quixotic thinking, however, we decided to pursue a different route--We would find Shaw's sans internet--without the help of the information highway. We would do this analog.

Immediately, the entire trip changed. EVERYTHING was now somehow connected to Shaw's. Could we stay out late at the Toronto bars? No! Impossible! We needed to be up early to get to work on our research. See--unfortunately, we remembered the name of the place, but the town name had completely escaped us. We both had our theories as to how the word started, the letters that dominated, the number of hyphens involved, etc. Still, all that our combing of maps and lists of Ontario towns seemed to prove was that we both had crappy memories. Nothing seemed to fit. We would have to hit the field, meet syrup purveyors, talk to distributors, check bookstores and libraries if necessary. We decided that we would stop at nothing. Even more, we decided that if we failed to find anything in Toronto, we would simply drive north and start asking people about Shaw's. The plan was archaic, but simple and failproof.

We started off Wednesday morning by heading toward St. Lawrence market, known as a place filled with people selling artisinal foods (ie gourmet, real maple syrup). It took us a while to track the place down, as we seem to have accidentally followed a truck route through the streets of Toronto. Nonetheless, just finding the place felt like a small victory.



Inside, we were shocked by the number of people selling maple syrup. Still, nobody that we interviewed seemed to have ever heard of Shaw's. We spoke to people throughout the market, telling them of our quest and our problems. Some were sympathetic to our search, but none seemed to offer much help. By the end of our time in the market, however, we had achieved success on a few fronts:

1. We found some really, really delicious mustard. We tried tons of varieties of mustard. We bought highly priced bottles of said mustard.

2. We found numerous geographic clues based on the origins of other syrup brands being sold in the market (all clues were carefully annotated in a notebook temporarily requisitioned for the purpose of annotating clues).

We left the market with renewed optimism and resolve, realizing now that our quest would not be as easy as we had half-hoped. We began to see all in a new light. Toronto was not merely a delightful city, but the setting in which two syrup-searching heroes would have their wits tested with riddles and bodies tested with wind chill. The waters of the Niagara of the day before became a purifying baptism, and our run-in with Franky Carcioffi quickly converted from a frightening encounter with a mobster into a dangerous temptation to leave the quest and pursue easy women in the whirlwind of an unholy bender. Every moment on the trip was somehow tied to our quest to find Shaw's.

Energized by a wholesome lunch in a strange and postmodern Torontonian atrium, we headed off to the University of Toronto library. Along the way, we stopped in a bookstore and got back to work. Tourist guides and the food section turned up little of interest regarding Shaw's, but Adam found out some interesting things about the mythical history of Maple Syrup.

As the story goes, Waksis (Great Hunter), an Iroquois Indian, buried his axe in a maple tree before heading out to go hunting one day. As luck would have it, a receptacle of some sort happened to be sitting beneath the axe. This container was positioned perfectly to receive the dripping "tears of the maple" that poured from the wound of the axe. In a continuing string of luck, Waksis's wife stumbled upon the pail while he was still out hunting, and took the liquid back home to use in a stew. She heated up the liquid, made a stew, and waited for Waksis to come home. When he did, he ate and declared the meal the most delicious stew he had ever tasted. In this way, maple syrup was born.

(Later, Adam fashioned the drawing below as representation of Waksis)



We left the bookstore and continued to head toward the library. Apparently UT students aren't all that interested in libraries, because we had to ask a few students for help in finding it. The last guy we asked responded slowly, scratching his scabby chin in earnest, obviously thinking hard.

"Well....let's see....you go to the end of the road here, and make a right....and go down a bit...and, uh, um...you'll see a big building...it's...uh....brown, I think..."

We walked down the street, following his directions, when we suddenly saw the most monstrous of buildings looming in the distance. We had never before seen a building that looked so much like a monster. No edifice that ever seemed to be so intent on eating all those that entered. This was the library for which a student had provided as a sole description the word "brown". Why, we wondered, wouldn't he have just told us to head up the road until we saw "a building that looks like a big frigging monster with a big ass mouth that wants to eat you"?



After accidentally skipping past a line of students waiting for the computer catalog, we began our search in earnest. We hoped to find some sort of list of Canadian syrup producers, and began searching terms such as:

1. Syrup
2. Maple Syrup producers
3. Canadian syrup
4. Maple Sugar, Ontario

We came up with a small and useless number of hits, and went off to collect our 1970's government pamphlets on syrup production, our topographic maps, and our detailed road maps of Canada. We found nothing, of course. Stumped again, we tried the phone books, attempting to guess in which area the restaurant was located (having no idea of the town's name). Again, no luck.

Like a flash, the solution suddently occurred to us. It was so obvious, and so easy, and we were amazed that we hadn't thought of it much earlier. We merely went looking for back issues of the New York Times to find the original article. This took a few minutes, as I couldn't remember exactly when I had read it, but we soon found it, and after whopping loudly (severe looks from the librarian), we burst out of the library and headed to the bar to celebrate our success and plan the drive up North.



Coming Soon: The Trip to SHAW'S PANCAKE HOUSE!

17 March 2006

Toronto

Back in Toronto after a journey a bit further north. Full description to come soon, with photos, as my hands are freezing and my body is tired.

15 March 2006

Wings, Wiseguys, and Wind

"What were you in for?"
"I killed my wife and her four friends"

Adam and I stood there, stupefied, dumbstruck, slowly sipping our drinks and planning our escape.

"Nah...Just messing with youze..."

Adam left for the bathroom to hide his money in his sock. I was stuck alone with "Franky Carcioffi", our brand new self-proclaimed Mafia wiseguy friend. As Franky had told us, he had been up for days, ingesting a variety of drugs, drinking "urine with a little bit of ice" (Seagrams and 7-Up), and enlisting the services of a number of call girls.

For at least an hour, we sat there at the bar with Franky, trying to figure out how to stop talking to him, a bit too scared and a bit too interested to leave. We heard a bit about his five years in Attica, learned all about his daughter's skills as an estetician ("she colored my hair with streaks of blonde! Makes me look young), and were regaled with vague details of Franky's business ventures ("construction", money collection, drug dealing).

We certainly hadn't planned to be hanging out with wise guys in Buffalo, having never planned to even stop in Buffalo. We left New Jersey on Monday afternoon, planning to drive straight through to Toronto, where our friend awaited our arrival. Inclement weather and the unstoppable course of time forced us to reconsider our options.

A brief stop for the bathroom and a snack at a rest stop found us gazing upon a map of the region. It was only then that we realized that our trajectory would take us straight through Buffalo, and with a very small deviation from our course, past the famed Niagara falls. We immediately changed our plans, and decided to stay the night in Buffalo and spend the next morning at the falls before heading to Toronto.

Arriving in Buffalo, driving down Main Street, we took notice of our surroundings. Buffalo was anything but impressive, much as we had expected. At this point, our only true motivation for continuing to enter the city was to unlock the truth of our hopeful doubts regarding the origin of Buffalo Wings.

This question had occurred to us shortly after deciding to stop in Buffalo, when we mutually and suddenly realized that Buffalo Wings must have taken their name from the New York town of Buffalo. Unsure of the truth behind this conjecture, we spent some time considering other possibilities:

--some sort of surrealist/jocular naming of the foodstuff
--A connection to the American West
--Issues of translation from the Italian Buffala --> Buffalo

In this last possibility, we came up with delightful little stories that involved Italian immigrants, a new appetizer that involved spicy chicken wings and mozzarella di buffala, and the eventual cutting of the mozzarella from the plate, leaving the wings with the name buffala, which at some point (goes the tale) had eventually changed to buffalo.

After considering these possibilities, we came to the conclusion that Buffalo Wings must be tied to the New York town, and we became increasingly excited to try out the original, unadulterated and elusive real wing of pub grub lore.

We finally arrived in downtown Buffalo, and were pleasantly surprised to find a beautiful little pedestrian area and an area of bars and nightclubs. Our doubts regarding the wing question were quickly erased by the hostel worker Michael Myers, and after chatting briefly with a strange Ugandan man that shared our room, we headed out to chow on some wings and enjoy some after dinner beverages.

We quickly found the place, ordered up a pitcher of beer and a plate of hot wings, and dug in with gusto and fervor. The wings were delicious, and had a certain crunchiness that is often difficult to find with wings. Best of all, the entire meal, beer included, cost only twenty dollars. Things were looking up in Buffalo.





Having finished dinner, we headed out for some drinks to an Irish pub down the street. It was at this point that we made the acquaintance of Franky Carcioffi, from whom we eventually escaped after accepting his offer of a drink and evading vague invitations to join him on his bender.

Leaving the bar, walking down the street, we decided that after the stressful and somewhat frightening experience that we had had with ole' Carcioffi, we deserved a last drink before heading home. Unfortunately, however, the only bars left on the walk were a string of Buffalo gay bars. After finding one quite strange and a bit scary, we headed to another (much calmer) and settled in for a beer that was only rarely interrupted by a strange older man that seemed to take quite a bit of interest in us, our conversations, and our bathroom habits.

More to come soon, including:

Niagara Falls
&
The Pancake Quest

13 March 2006

Canada

I'm leaving today for Toronto, Canada. My friend and I plan to start driving this afternoon, and hopefully arrive in Maple-Leaf-Ville by this evening.

Updates to come.

Oh, and to Peter the dumb Australian--Thank you for your insulting and vulgar comment. Please feel free to go suck an egg.

09 March 2006

Say it ain't so...



(New York Times -- Editorial, March 9, 2006)

08 March 2006

............................ On the Riverside........................



I'm an ignorant dumb hick.

I always knew who was buried in Grant's tomb, I just didn't know that Grant's tomb was just up the road a stretch. Rising up alongside the Hudson River around 120th St. is a huge monument that serves as Grant's final resting place. This building, encircled by a Gaudi-esque mosaic bench, is truly impressive, and dates back to the end of the 1800s. In the center of the building, down an open shaft of sorts, lies Grant alongside his wife, an eternal memory for New Yorkers to the fact that the North whooped the South's cotton-clad ass.

As usual in these sorts of places, there's a whole lot of semi-interesting historical information, strange-looking Ranger type guys, and cheesy souvenirs for sale. Oh--and as the sign outside says, "No drinks, food, restrooms" --Apparently urination, defecation and hydration are somehow offensive on hallowed ground. Weird.



I left the monument pretty quickly, still in awe of my ignorance about old-Uly's final resting place. I headed over the Riverside Church, interested to see if it really was possible to climb its tower and look out over the city. Unfortunately, it was not possible, as the tower is currently undergoing renovation, but after a lengthy process of signing in, I was finally able to enter the church.

I headed up toward the Nave, apparently the only area of the church into which I could enter, and underwent another signing in process. The guy that signed me in here was a nice guy, if a bit strange. He was an African guy, and after assisting me to put my guest badge "on my garments" so that I was an "official visitor," he proceeded to give me a lengthy, long-winded, and enthusiastic speech about the church.

To summarize our five minute interaction: "Put on this badge. You can visit those three rooms."

Incredibly infomative.

I checked out the church, which was quite nice--full of beautiful stained glass and great carved walls. I quickly moved onto the other two rooms (a tiny little chapel with a painting by some "famous" artist that I had never heard of and whose name I forget, and a room that is apparently--if I understood correctly--an Ethiopian chapel used for certain services, weddings, and the like), said goodbye to the strange and talkative man, and headed for the exit. While I enjoyed the visit, I'm not one to dilly-dally in my church visits, and so I felt I had done the place as much justice as I could expect from myself.

As I neared the exit, I decided to nip into the gift shop (what does a book of NY Times Crossword Puzzles have to do with God?) and have a brief look around. The shop sucked, so I continued to egress. As I did so, I heard the voice of the man I had originally seen upon entering the church (the first line of defense, if you will).

"Leaving so soon?" I heard him say.
"Well...yeah, I just wanted to have a look around."
"A look around in three minutes? That's not enough time for a look around."

As he spoke this last sentence, I started to sense a slightly combatative tone.

"Well, I'll be back for another visit," I said, "and I was here about ten minutes, not three..."-- trying to pacify him.
"When?" he asked
"Soon, I'll be back, for real," I told him, starting to get a bit freaked out by this guy's strange insistence on my really getting to know the Riverside Church.
"When?" he asked again.

The tension was palpable. I mumbled back another "soon" and got the hell out of the place.

I'm still wondering, hours later, how a peaceful church visit had so easily turned into the opening scene of some campy horror movie. It's truly a whole different world up there on the Upper West Side.

06 March 2006

Everybody Hates Chris



So the other day a friend walks in my door with a bumper sticker and tells me, "This is for you...I found it outside."

The sticker in question read, quite clearly and boldly, "Honk if you hate Chris." I immediately recognized the style and font of the sticker, and realized that the hated "Chris" to which the sticker referred was not me, Chris Bond, but rather Chris Rock, the comedian. The sticker was an advertisement for his TV show "Everybody Hates Chris".

So I'm thinking--alright, fair enough, everybody doesn't hate me...They hate Chris Rock. Of course, I'm immediately struck with the obvious question--"What the hell are all these "Honk" stickers doing in front of my house?" Now I'm wondering if someone's playing a joke, or if someone hates me and chose this sticky method of letting me know, rather than just choking me or throwing me into a door or something.

The next day I left the house to get something to eat with my roommates...Hundreds of stickers lay on the ground. The wind had carried them as far as a few blocks away, and the whole walk to brunch I was reminded of the world's disdain for me. Worst of all, stickers had been stuck to walls and sidewalks and bicycles and street signs all over the place.

Luckily, my paranoia didn't have to go on for too long, as It turns out that someone that lives upstairs used to live with someone else that did promotions and publicity for the show, or some nonsense like that...So it's apparently merely a coincidence, as they were just finally throwing away their stash of useless and insulting stickers.

Phew.

02 March 2006

The Number Four

Train

The doors open late on the L train, and all of the passengers burst out onto the platform. The rush to the stairs is mad. I sideswipe someone shorter than me, a mammoth pushes me to the side. We all race, and reaching the stairways, the familiar game of metro tetris begins.

Left Staircase or Right Staircase? A quick look at both sides suffices to tell me that the left is moving slowly, having been forced to accomodate two-way traffic. I jump onto the line on the right, and move swiftly up to the first landing. Here, the choices are ample, and I'm forced to decide between four different two-way routes. I choose the second from the right, move smoothly past the next landing, and slide into the open area upstairs.

A Peruvian pipe player bumps me. I bump a smartly dressed young woman carrying her high heels and wearing sneakers. A dimunitive, balding man and I dance as we accidentally deceive eachother as regards the direction we will take. I advance in one direction at the same time that he does. We are perpindicular to eachother, and yet neither of us can seem to make progress towards our destination. Finally, we break this confusing and loathsome magnetism. We've figured eachother out. I go my way, he goes his way, squealing "excuse me" in a timid and broken voice.

I hit the stairs to the Four Train running and I'm forced to slow down, held back by the traffic, stopped before me. I've chosen the wrong side, obviously. We move slowly down as a train slowly approaches the station. I peer over the edge and see that it is my train. I try to run. I am unable, yet still make the train.

Boarding the car I peer around slyly and suspiciously, like a detective scanning a room that likely contains a suspect. The question I ask myself is, "what seats will open up?" The ride is long and standing is not an option. The train moves with a scream and a rattle and we hurtle forth through the dark tunnels beneath the Manhattan streets. We stop at Grand Central Station and the crowd on the subway begins to thin. I look about, maintaining a calm exterior, inside frantically praying that I find a seat in which I can peacefully read my newspaper.

It is like a Swiss Guard maneuver. Two seats free up, but they will be difficult to possess. The young Latin guy sitting between the two empties slides down to occupy the "aisle" seat on the long bench, freeing up the seat directly before me. I plop down and unfold my newspaper, sighing. As I do, the dreadlocked man beside me makes the same noise and we look at eachother, smiling in our mutual struggle.

"It's like I get on the train and all I do is figure out my next move, like which seat is gonna open up."
"I know the feeling, it's like a science."
"Where are you going to?"
"I've got a long ride, so I need to get a seat, there's no way I'm standing the whole way."
"Where are you going to?"
"All the way up to Fordham Rd."
"I'm going to __________, on the six train, coming from ____________. Two hours each way, every day."
"Man...."
"Yeah man, it's a long way."

At this, he smiles again and sighs again, and I do the same. He settles against the wall, obviously tired. I open my newspaper and begin to read about the calamaties of the day. I'm most drawn by the recent story of the young girl that was kidnapped and tied up and raped and killed and left on the side of the road in Brooklyn, somewhere far, far away. I'm perturbed by the story and I feel badly for her friend with whom she parted at the bar. Apparently they argued before going their separate ways. Seems rough to leave things like that.

The train approaches Fordham. I fold my newspaper, stow it away in my backpack, zipper up my jacket and don my gloves. I'm less worried about strategy now. I'm here, I can relax. I exit and move with the herd toward the outside world, which is now quickly becoming snow-covered.

01 March 2006

Bronx Weirdness

Just a few strange Bronx moments:

1. Quote from a student on the Fordham Rose Hill (Bronx) Campus on February 28, 2006:

"I pissed on my own face yesterday."

Interesting.

2. Today, while riding the 4 train from Union Square to East Fordham Rd, I noticed a strange character across from me. I couldn't quite believe my eyes.

A Skinhead. Shaved head, flight jacket, straight legged jeans, doc maarten shoes with white laces. The whole deal.



Now, I understand that Skinhead culture is not inherently racist. Many Skinheads are not at all racist, and some are in fact virulently (and sometimes violently) anti-racist (i.e. SHARPS--Skinheads Against Racial Prejudice). Skinheads, historically, celebrate working class youth culture, which does not necessarily demand that one hold racist beliefs. See wikipedia's skinhead entry for a bit more information or check out this website which contains a very interesting FAQ.

Fair enough. Not all skinheads are racist. Nonetheless, everyone thinks that they're a bunch of hating violent racists. This is the generally held conception.

So isn't the Bronx (much of which is nearly wholly inhabited by various minority groups) a strange place to find a Skinhead?

Who knows. I just found the whole affair sort of visually jarring.

28 February 2006

Trading Faces

Some two years ago, in a small cafe in Montevideo, Uruguay, a new tradition was born. Little did I or my traveling companion know of the works that lay before us as we sat there, bored and delayed, sipping cafe con leche and smoking cigarettes.

Jason "Sturd" Weinstein and I had embarked a week earlier on a three country voyage around the Southern Cone. Our route was clear--We had started in Buenos Aires, moved across the water to Montevideo, and were soon on our way to the sunny shores of the Brazilian Coast.

Unfortunately, Montevideo paled in comparison to Buenos Aires. We found the food mediocre, the city somewhat slow, and we had little time to meet any locals. In fact, the most exciting event of our few days was a semi-accidental foray into a brothel/bar/live sex show (we did not partake of any local delicacies). Luckily, we also had the opportunity to hear an amusing song in a stationery store. The chorus, if my memory does not betray me, said, quite simply and poetically, "I'll break your face." Luckily for us, we had narrowly escaped true empathy with the potential victim of the song, having wandered somewhat slurrily through seedy parts of the city, trying to pick up young ladies in cheap discoteques and retrieving money from an ATM at unwise times of night.

And so we now found ourselves, slightly worse for the wear, sitting in a Montevidean cafe, having missed our bus, forced to wait hours until the next mode of transport. A mysterious testicular pain, slight hangovers, and a true boredom with our adopted city left us stranded, quite uninterested in discovering any new nooks (or crannies) of the town, forced to amuse ourselves over countless coffees and through depthless clouds of smoke.

We began to write in our respective Moleskine journals, as was our habit, proudly displaying the amount of ground that we had covered--(for some reason we had been engaging in competition as to who had filled more pages in their journal, which, to be sure, led to numerous collages, poems, songs, and drawings of questionable worth).

At some point we began to sketch each other, both gazing upon the other's visage, pretending to all (if anyone was looking) that we were the real deal, veritable artists truly enthralled by our own work, sucked into the miraculous creation appearing on our pages. This, in reality, was not the case, as we were in essence a couple of talentless losers trying to fill up too many hours of downtime. Nonetheless, the fruits of our labor were not really all that bad, and we were in fact quite proud of ourselves and the art we had created.





As you can see, I photocopied the portrait which Sturd had drawn of me, as I was quite found of the likeness. My drawing had unfortunately not been received quite as well. Upon looking at it, Sturd's brow furrowed and he remarked, "I look quite neckish, don't you think?" Neckish or not, I was happy with both my own work and the work Sturd had done of me.

I declared myself the winner and immediately commissioned a full-scale version of the piece, to which my travelmate readily and enthusiastically agreed. He became very excited by the idea, and in fact immediately upon arriving home in New Jersey, went to work getting in touch with his weird artist great-Uncle, from whom he requested supplies, advice and a painting space. All wishes were granted, and within a short time, my friend Sturd had completed a work of majestic proportions and skills. Unfortunately, the realism of the original sketch--the wispiness of the facial hair, the receding hairline and long, spiky hair, the eye color, the general facial structure--was somewhat compromised in the transfer from sketch to oil painting. But no matter! The painting was glorious, and it was mine, and it was a gift from a great friend! I immediately stuck it upon the wall. It has remained with me ever since.



Of course, the sense of gratitude and indebtedness that I felt upon receiving the painting was enormous. I knew that I would need to return the favor and spit up some of my own creative juices...but what would I do?

I eventually came up with an idea that turned out quite successfully, and which made big waves in the Art World...or at least in my world, and Sturd enjoyed it greatly. I found a big piece of wood, approximately 6 feet long, one and half feet wide, and an inch thick. I fashioned a sturdy stencil with a likeness of Sturd's face, and after painting the wood completely bright yellow, stenciled my pal's face five times along the length of the wood in a majestic and loud crimson. At the bottom I stenciled in his name.

It took months to get this piece to Sturd, due to its great size and weight, but the gifting and receiving finally occurred to much fanfare. The gauntlet had been tossed, the tables had been turned, the die had been cast. It was Sturd's turn.

Some time went by before a new piece saw the light of day. Sturd would occasionally murmur something about "working on a great piece," and I began to think about making a flash cartoon of him with my newly purchased computer. I quickly dropped that idea, professing my ignorance in all matters flash, but Sturd plodded along, occasionally ripped from his studies by artistic insight, until finally I got an exciting phone call.

"It's done. The piece is done, but I don't know if I can bring it to you."
"Why the hell not?"
"It's too big to get on the airplane. I don't know how I can pull it off..."

My heart expanded and sank at the same time...Too big to get on an airplane! I wondered what Sturd could have made me. Still, I would have to wait, and wait I did...

Within a few months, Weinstein appeared in the area, having driven from Michigan to New York. Somehow he had been able to coax the artwork into the automobile through delicate folding and careful packing. He unveiled it to me in the Meatpacking District of Manhattan, sliding it out of his small car doors, propping it up against a scaffolding pole.

I gazed upon the new work. It was amazing. He had blown a photograph of me up to massive proportions. The natural colors of my skin and hair and already bright shirt had been manipulated beyond recognition. This huge photograph lay atop a bed of magazine covers, all displaying faces of famous folk. My body and face ruled over their dominion of fame.

"It's a commentary on the postmodern creation of the character. On fame. On creating an myth."

I was speechless. Unfortunately, I was so dumbfounded that I was dumb, and I didn't take a picture of it (the big works are stored at my parent's place in New Jersey), but looking at the photograph below one gets an idea of the final project. Imagine this photograph, blown up and proudly displayed, sitting on the magazine cover bed. Amazing.



Once again, the tides had turned and I knew that I needed to immediately begin planning a new piece. Sturd's birthday (February 26th) offered the perfect date for completion and presentation.

I have lately been quite interested in the work of this guy Rob at www.cockeyed.com. In addition to a number of other interesting experiments and artistic endeavors, Rob is a master of paper mache. His website is great, and includes detailed descriptions of how he makes his art.

And so, I jumped into the exciting world of paper mache. The process is messy and can be a bit of a pain in the ass when undertaken on the kitchen floor. Still, it's fun and relatively easy, and the results are great.

I started on a Friday afternoon, fashioning Sturd's head out of crumpled newspaper and masking tape. I whipped up a flour-water mixture (making the mistake of using whole-wheat flour on the first application), ripped some newspaper into strips and got to work.



Over the course of the next few days and a number of paper layers, I created a basic Sturd head, smacked on some paper lips, nose and ears, and let the whole shebang dry. The unpainted version wasn't incredibly exciting:



After a trip to a local art store (Can you show me the way to some cheap paint?), I got home and got to work painting. This being the first time that I was painting in many years, I had a bit of trouble getting the colors right. Sturd originally came out African American:



After some time, he came out right. I found the eyes to be particularly shiny and life-like:



Saturday night arrived, and I carefully boxed up the head, wrapping it in newspapers to ensure its safety. My roommate wrapped the box for me (she's good at that) and I prepared to present Sturd with his newest acquisition.

Unfortunately, I totally forgot to bring the gift on Saturday and had to give it to him on Sunday (which probably turned out better anyway). We met up in a bar in the East Village--Sturd, his girlfriend Liz and I. I gave him the box, he slowly opened it up and peered inside. He delicately removed the head from the box and looked at me in awe.

Ahhh....success...

So once again, responsibility has changed hands, leaving me free to pursue non-commissioned works and pinning Sturd beneath the iron grip of the knowledge that he soon will need to return artistic favors.



Good night. More to come soon.

23 February 2006

Art

I grow quite delinquent in my bloggerly duties. Why? I've had a visitor, and Art has held my sway in these last few days, as I put the finishing touches on a project which I will soon unveil in photographic form. It's a secret, so I won't say anything about it, but I will provide photographs soon.

In other news, I want to say that my dentist wins the award for most ridiculously fast cavity drilling - tooth filling process in these here entire United States of America.

Yesterday, I showed up at his office a half hour early for a three-thirty appointment. Lame.

By three-o-five I was sitting in a chair. By three twenty I was walking the streets with a numbed mouth, running my fingers along the bottom lip and marveling at the strange sensation...Wait, scratch that....the strange non-sensation that I was feeling. This guy must be cousin of the Flash or something, because he's ridiculous.

In an update of the recent New Jersey criminal activity....

Big Surprise, the armored guard was in on the whole thing. I guess that he made up the whole "There was another guy...The guy that had the gun was a red-headed guy" thing....

More to come soon.

15 February 2006

Hometown News

Livingston, New Jersey, the quiet and tranquil hometown of many (over)privileged, upper-middle class people (like me) was the scene of a daring, dastardly, and ultimately, doomed armored car robbery yesterday.

Down the street from my friend Sturd's house, near the gas station that an acquaintance's dad owned, and across the street from the office my dad kept for many years, some guys broke into an armored car (how do you do that?) and started shooting at the guards when they returned from picking up or delivering some cash to a local bank.

The guards shot back, the car moving all the time down the peaceful Jersey roads, and then the guys took off in a Jeep. A high-speed chase ensued through the neighboring towns of Millburn and South Orange, until the suspects took off on foot. Two were captured immediately, one apparently ran faster and eluded the cops for about 45 minutes.

Guess how they finally caught him? Hansel and Gretel style, following a trail of money that the guy left behind.

Dumbass.

Apparently, one suspect may still be at bay (nobody seems to be sure). So, if you see a pale white guy with red hair and a bagload of cash, please contact the authorities immediately.

Unsteady

Valentine's Day has come and gone, in a haze of bad chocolate, shiny balloons and overpriced, low-quality roses. Ahhh...Love is in the air.

Seems that all the steamy love brewing in NYC had an effect on the weather. The thermometer has shot up to 48 degrees, and the streets are filled with the slushy remains of the weekend's blizzard (the biggest in recorded NYC history, they say).

NYC slush is always interesting, as it turns a normally very manageable system of sidewalks and thoroughfares into the scene of a wet and wild bivoucking adventure. Normally high-heeled, dainty-walking women suddenly become long-jumpers, men take care to not wet their hemlines and so take wide, strange steps, holding up their pants all the while. Merely crossing the street becomes more difficult than playing Frogger or Tetris, and in this case it seems as if all your late night practice is for naught. Somehow, sometime, somewhere, everyone gets wet.

Nonetheless, the streets are drying just as rapidly as the snow is melting. Walking is becoming less treacherous with each passing day. Toes and feet are quickly thawing, trousers are drying and shoes are steaming. Spring is on its way, it would seem, and although the winter has been mild (again another record-breaker, I believe), I don't think you'll find many complaints about warmth and budding trees here in New York.

I've been a bit unsteady in my blog-updating these days. I'll blame it on the weather perhaps, although I don't think the weather is to blame. Perhaps it's my early mornings, maybe I'm just lacking inspiration.
Don't lose faith.
More to come soon.

09 February 2006

Bodies at Rest, Bodies in Motion


I woke up at two last night and I woke up again at three. These insomniac moments, I must admit, can be blamed soley on my ridiculous consumption of coffee.

I woke up at four in the morning, however, and could no longer blame that bold villain Senor Caffeine. The fault lay completely now with various voices emanating from different parts of my apartment building. Below me, the annoying, messy, loud, strange-schedule having lunatics were once again laughing at something inane. Meanwhile, In the kitchen beside my room, my roommate's guest was slurring through a phone conversation with someone and clunking around through the cabinets.

I drifted back to sleep, dreaming of spiders and clunkers and all sorts of strange things. Suddenly, my door swung open. I sprung into a sitting position, fists clenched in a Notre Dame Fighting Irish position, and screamed, "What?"

The male silhouette in my doorway stared at me, obviously confused.

"Sorry man, I was looking for the bathroom...."

The door slowly shut, the guy obviously feeling repentant.

I woke in the morning, once again blurry eyed, once again shaking cobwebs from my very being. I stumbled into the shower and stumbled out, toweled up and dripping wet.

There he was again. It was as if the guy hadn't moved since I had last seen him, two hours before. He greeted me and shook my hand, and looked at me, standing there in his boxers and shaking his head in confusion and bemusement.

"You took a shower?" he asked.
"Uh....yeah."
"Wow. Cool. I might just do the same." His tone betrayed his admiration for this obviously daring deed.

He walked into the bathroom (apparently the reason that he was up at all) and I moved to the kitchen. Still wearing my towel, I began to perform my morning rituals. I set the coffee pot on the stovetop and started to toast some bread. He came into the kitchen, obviously in the mood to talk. I, on the other hand, was all filled up with no coffee (thanks for the image to Phillip Marlowe) and felt completely the opposite about conversation.

"So you took a shower, huh?"
"Yes..."
"Wow, that's something....Taking a shower now...."
"I've got to go to work."

Suddenly, like a flash, recognition and understanding flashed across the guy's face. He understood (only now) that it was morning, that I was showering (as most people tend to do), that I needed to go to work, that I wasn't just some crazy guy that enjoyed taking showers in the middle of the night. With a few more words, he finally said goodbye and returned to my roommate's room. I continued on with my breakfast preparations and left for a short day at work.

I guess it's only fitting that with all this extra nighttime movement in my house, I should spend the afternoon learning something about the human body. (The segue is tenuous, I know...) And so, work completed, I headed off to the South Street Seaport to see "BODIES: The Exhibition."

Now, if you haven't heard of "BODIES," the exhibition basically contains a slew of "artistically" (and perhaps ethically questionably) placed "plastinated" bodies.

What is plastination? According to Wikipedia, plastination is:

"a technique used in anatomy to conserve bodies or body parts. The water and fat are replaced by certain plastics, yielding specimen that can be touched, do not smell or decay, and even retain most microscopic properties of the original sample."

So the place is filled with plastinated bodies, arranged in various and strange positions. Viewers have the chance to see corpses prepared to play all sorts of sports, conducting an orchestra, thinking hard in a Rodin fashion, and standing with arms stretched wide. Beyond these complete bodies, the glass cases in the exhibit are packed with bones and joints and tendons and eyes and nerve systems and fetuses and diseased organs and penises and ovaries and basically any conceivable part of the human body.

The experience was, quite obviously, pretty intense. Oddly enough, people seemed to feel very little disgust or fear in the presence of so many real dead bodies. On the contrary, the very realness of the bodies seemed to cause detachment in everyone there. In some, this was evidenced in the visible academic challenge of understanding the medical terminology and explanations that accompany the various "pieces" in the exhibit (I saw one guy, literally about to pull out his hair, staring at some plastinated hands, repeating "It's just so complicated" to himself out loud over and over again). In others, (me and my friend included), joking didn't seem to be a problem, and we found ourselves laughing at the funny names of certain body parts, trying to come up with new names for others, and occasionally talking about something completely separated from the bodies before us.

A few interesting things that I learned:

1. the sperm cell is the smallest in the human body, the egg is the largest.
2. brains are all folded up because brain evolution happened TOO rapidly. Basically, it seems there wasn't enough space for so much brain, so nature just stuffed it up on in there.
3. blood is red when it's filled with oxygen (hemoglobin and Oxygen reaction) and bringing it from the heart to the rest of the body. On its way back, the blood is blue.

That's it. Have a good day.

08 February 2006

The Russian Lesson

My coffee shop on Fordham Road is a small metal trailer with a sliding Plexiglas window through which patrons ask for and receive their coffee, muffins, bagels, and eggs. There is a thin metal door on the rear side by which the owner can enter and delicately squeeze himself into the confined interior space.

Atop this rectangular box on wheels there is a small twirling metal chimney, the kind that looks like a twisted up version of the Kremlin or some other Soviet edifice. Steam and smoke escape into the cold morning air, swirling out through between the revolving grates.


Every morning is the same. I leave the 4 Train at Fordham Road, still waking up, walking down the stairs out of the station. I ignore the man offering my a free Spanish language newspaper--I've got enough to handle with my own NY Times subscription.

I walk past the line of people waiting for the bus, preferring to walk the 10 minutes to the University. I ignore hunger pangs and my body's cries for coffee.

Every morning is the same. It is early, it is cold, I am tired and unprepared for the day. The air is polluted and people look glum. I walk out of the metro and down Fordham Road until I reach the small coffee shop trailer at about the halfway point.

We exchange hearty greetings. He asks me how I am in Russian. I respond in Russian that I am good, and wish him good day in Russian. He makes some joke that I don't understand. I've run out of Russian things to say.

Sometimes I throw out one of the other two or three random phrases that I know in Russian, like "I like Captain's Macaroni!" Usually though, I say nothing else, preferring to wait until he asks me, "Seven sugars?"

I smile and he proceeds to make my coffee the way that I always get it--a bit of milk and no sugar. I praise his memory and laugh at his joke and wish him a good day. He says something in Russian, we laugh, and I slam my dollar down on the counter, tapping the metal as I do as a way of saying goodbye.

Every morning is the same. I sip my coffee and light a cigarette and think about how much I like my morning Russian lesson. I wait for the light at the corner of the big intersection and pass the familiar carts selling nuts and coconuts and fruit. I pass the local highschool students, jostling eachother and flirting with eachother. I pass the long line of suckers waiting for coffee at the trailer just outside the University. I wish the security guard at the gate a good morning and walk off the Bronx Streets and into this strange bastion of privilege that is Fordham University.

I sip my coffee and walk, waking up now, and I head towards class. The air slowly warms and the sun blinds me. I pass the gothic campus buildings and the carefully manicured lawns and the ubiquitous landscapers collecting debris and mowing the grass. I stop off at a bench near the building where I teach and sip my coffee, quickly preparing the day's lesson, watching the students hurry by. I am ready now, and somehow content that little, since yesterday, has changed.

07 February 2006

Patagonia

Bruce Chatwin, inspired to write his first book, left a note at the office of his employer. The note read, "Gone to Patagonia."

I'm about to write a note myself.



Due to the weather, the walk did not take place this weekend. More information soon on the new and improved date.

02 February 2006

Art and the Park


Leaving work today I headed into the sunshine, once again lucky enough to enjoy the freakishly warm NYC weather. I walked up Fordham Avenue, weaving through crowds of people, reached the subway stop and boarded the Number Four train headed downtown.

I got out and walked to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, completely unsure of what I was going to see, knowing only a few things about the trip. First, I would not pay the full recommended admission of $15. Second, I would not stay for more than an hour or so, generally the time it takes me to develop "museum feet" and escape marble floors and strangely controlled museum climates.

I checked my bag with the overly friendly Russian coat check guy (Enjoy man! Have a great time Man! See you Man!), and headed to buy a ticket. I slid my crisp one-dollar bill across the counter to the girl selling tickets, shyly averting my cheapskate eyes...

"You should see the Rauschenberg...It's modern art...You'd really like it."

Now, I'm thinking two things: First, who the hell is Rauschenberg? I'm feeling really ignorant, but the truth is that I don't have a damned clue. Second, why would "I really like it?" Is that just another way of saying that it's really good, or is that supposed to mean something about me? Do I look like a guy that would really like Rauschenberg?

Who knows?

Anyway, I headed up to see the exhibit that I'd "really like", and the truth is that I did "really like" it. The show was called "Combines", and was filled with his work from 1955-65 (dates, if not correct, are close). The "combines" referred to are all collage works, many of them free standing sculptures, and are constructed of the most random and disparate of materials.

Truth be told, while I enjoyed the works, I even more enjoyed the tags that described the materials that old Rauschy used. They were like a work of their own. Take, for instance, the following description of "Untitled" from 1954:

"Freestanding combine: oil, pencil, crayon, paper, canvas, fabric, newspaper, photographs, wood, glass, mirror, tin, cork, and found painting, with pair of painted leather shoes, dried grass, and Dominique hen, on wood structure, mounted on five casters."

Or, this one, which is even better, from "Monogram" (1955-1959)

"Freestanding combine: oil, paper, fabric, printed paper, printed reproductions, metal, wood, rubber shoe heel, and tennis ball on canvas with oil on Angora Goat and rubber tire, on wood platform mounted on four casters."



The animals mentioned above were the real deal--stuffed, dead creatures affixed in different ways to the the different canvases. Equally real, and equally interesting, was the syntax of the descriptions.

My podiatric alarm sounded just on time--after about an hour, I began to lose interest in the works that shortly before had captivated my attention. I ran through the last few rooms (excepting the last room, which was amazing), got lost in the museum, took an elevator unnecessarily, and finally made it into the fresh air and sunlight.

I walked into Central Park, planning to stroll for a while, slowly working my way downtown. After stopping for a coffee at the Central Park Boathouse (great place) and falling asleep in the outdoor patio, I continued walking down the Park's paths. As I trudged along, trying to shake the nappy cobwebs from my head, I was suddenly awoken by the strangest of sounds. At first I thought I was listening to a didgeridoo, but quickly realized that I was hearing a human voice. I looked down the steps to my left, and beneath the arch of the a tunnel, saw the following man:



His name is THOTH, and he performs in Central Park, playing the violin, singing and dancing, moving through what he calls "soloperas" -- He sings the parts of all the characters in these stories, changing between different ranges with truly enviable skill and fluidity.

A few important things about his work:

1. He does not, in actuality, perform, but rather "prayforms" -- To quote from the informational leaflet that he offers, "Prayforming is my everything, my joy, my creative expression, my workout, my self study, my being-duty to pay back to the universe for the gift of my existence."

2. "A solopera is a word I coined to describe my work. It comes from "solo" meaning alone, "sol" meaning sun, and "sol" a homonym for soul merged with "opera" meaning dramatic performance put to music and the plural meaning of "opus" which means work. It is part vocalizing, puzzle, aerobics routine, monologue, language deconstruction, alchemy, theater, healing ritual, sacred dance, all accompanied by solo violin and complex percussive rhythms."

3. Finally, to tell a bit about the themes of his soloperas, Thoth sings about the "mythological world of the Festad" and sings in "their" language.

Okay. So he plays a bit, then stops and we start talking. Truth is, most of the time I don't have a damned clue what the hell he's saying, but he's truly a nice guy, and quite interesting to talk to.

At one point, he looks at me and says sincerely, "You know, I don't live a life that most people would consider normal."
I started laughing. "I've noticed," I respond.
He laughed too, and we continued talking for a while, about all sorts of weird stuff like energy and the Festad and him being the "first interracial person" (I didn't quite understand that), and the shape of Earth and different colors of chalk and all sorts of other things.

While we talked, all sorts of other people stopped by, and everyone seemed to know Thoth, and he seemed to know everyone. Pretty crazy. This one guy, Segway Bob (that's how Thoth referred to him) and his wife stopped by, and Bob joined in the prayformance, "dancing" around Thoth on his Segway, shaking the bells on his handlebars to the beat of Thoth's song. I was a little confused by this, but everyone seemed to enjoy themselves and Thoth didn't seem to mind, so I guess that it was cool.



After Thoth's final performance, we talked a bit more and then I left him and his chalk drawings and crystals behind. I continued through the Park, made it back into the land of Avenues and Streets, and walked down until I finally reached Union Square, where I caught the L train, passing Third Avenue and First Avenue and feeling my ears pop as the train passed beneath the East River, until finally the doors opened with the sound of a monstrous exhale and I left, once again home, no longer in the land of the Festad, but just normal old Brooklyn. Which still ain't bad.

To find out more about Thoth, check out his webpage at www.skthoth.com

Fez Revisited

I just received an email from a reader with a great drawing of Fez that I wanted to share. The artist is apparently a student at a school in Germany, but is originally from Morocco (specifically Fez).

An absolutely beautiful day here in NYC...

01 February 2006

WALK MANHATTAN! (Newly updated)

On Saturday, February 4th, weather permitting, I will be walking Manhattan, tip to tip. Please come out and join me, I'd love the company.

Where: Somewhere way uptown--
When: Saturday, February 4 at 9:45 am

Come along and bring your friends! It's only 13.4 miles...

NEW UPDATE: Advice from fellow walkers has prompted a change in plans. I will now be starting uptown, in order to facilitate easy returns home as well as safe, daylit passage through unknown portions of town.

If you're interested in joining the walk, please email me at chris_m_bond@yahoo.com and we can figure out a good place to meet.

31 January 2006

Strangely Warm Daze

Yesterday was strangely warm here in NYC. The thermometer topped out around sixty degrees.
People were strolling around in tee shirts.
A temperature record set something like eighty years ago was broken.
Then the sun was hidden by some clouds and the customary cold set in.

Being back in New York, working, commuting has been strange and a bit difficult. It's tough to come from places where everything is new and exciting and be suddenly thrust into a familiar environment. I'm finding it more difficult than it was before to see stories in the quotidian movement of people in this city.

Nonetheless, I'm working hard to keep my eyes and mind open to the small happenings around me. Like, for instance, seeing a performer getting ready today in the subway, staring into a mirror, applying white makeup to her face (or maybe it was a he, I wasn't sure), dressed in strange clothes. I stood behind her, taking some photographs, ignoring the straphangers bumping me in their speedy passage through the tunnels. As I turned to leave, I looked back and saw her looking through the mirror back at me, smiling kindly, returning my curious gaze.